'YES' can live on in the land of 'NO'
I have been having a rather difficult period with a certain person in my life of late. Friends around me are probably more than fatigued by my endless rants about the said person. Earlier this week, when I thought that I was about to reach breaking (or boiling, if you please) point, I decided that I ought to take a step back and assess how I can deal with the issue constructively. I thought i've tried it all,
'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'. That made me really depressed every time I came into contact with this person.
'ignore'. A really challenging feat when confined within four walls with the said person over an extended period of time, whom I may add, will not stop talking. even when I am with headphones. I am generally not good with ignoring people when I am physically present.
'Say it as it is'. It doesn't seem to stop the flow or sludge of negativity from said person. It is all well and good for two days, and then it starts again the following week. Sigh.
On that note, I decided that I might take stock internally, to try and kill off the less than desirable energy that creeps my way. Looking around, it seems that there are countless books and articles written on the web on how we should deal with it. Of all that i've reviewed,I have found certain pointers that will help everyone deal with difficult situations in life (not just with regards to negative people).
Life's little lessons:
1. Do not take things personally - it is irrational to take anything negative people say personally. Self awareness is key here -- Avoid defensiveness and overreactions.
2. Use "i" instead of "u" - when feeling negative, avoid accusations. Using 'i' plays down the offensive tone that often comes with "u". 'I feel....' It is abit of a word play on one's emotion, but it works. wonders. It also makes you reflect on whether this is how you really feel.
3. Dealing with angry people - A yogi tells me it is always important to take full deep breaths (both in and out). I thought it was a whole load of bollocks when this was first explained to me, but when you are within four walls of the said person, and wanting to scream and tear your hair out, deep breathing is THE BEST alternative to that. Ask: "Why are you so angry?" to understand.
Listen to empathize.
Provide Feedback to resolve (with action!).
I am not sure it wholly works yet. I can't get past the feedback part. But when I start getting frazzled, I go back to point 1. Do not take things personally.
The aviary group suggests
(a) using opposite statements. make a negative statement positive. I have not quite figured out how this can be universally applied to negative statements.
(b) asking what can be done. find solutions. I have also not quite decided how this works on people who refuse to provide feedback, whose answer is simply 'i don't know' (in brackets, frankly 'i also don't care').
They also suggest being bold and assertive. I think this applies to people in general, and even more so with negative people. I personally find this difficult as my aversion to conflict directly impacts the ability to be assertive. That said, I have found that making statements which are always backed up by FACTS (not opinion) boosts assertiveness and boldness. Facts cannot be refuted.
When all is said and done, in circumstances of conflict or negativity, you can always look back to point 1 - 3 which are the most basic of all principles that one can always use to manage difficult situations.
I have found that the one downfall for most people (women especially), is the innate reaction to personalize things/situations/statements/conflicts. This post does not state anything new, but highlights and places markers on certain pointers that we should keep in mind (that which is often forgetten) when placed in emotional situations.
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